hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
