why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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