just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
