i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
