I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize