Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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