He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
