I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
