I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
