Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
