My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You left your phone here
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