Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
