I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
