my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I deserve this hangover.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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