my sisters under your porch take her home
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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