if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
