I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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