he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
