i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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