I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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