You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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