I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize