so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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