i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize