I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
