I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
