The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
