guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
