Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
