I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize