i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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