Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
