We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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