I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize