We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
