Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
