with your own penis?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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