Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize