i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
