I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
