Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
