I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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