His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
