Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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