apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
