Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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