I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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