Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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