Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize