I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
