I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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