if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
