I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
