Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
